// Friday, November 18
i wanted to blog 2 days ago, after having a great day on wednesday. it was probably one of my happiest days after a really long time. but i guess this is life huh. bad things just happen so fast. ive nearly forgotten how happy it feels on wednesday. when reality crashes in, i came to see all the negative pictures around me once more..
i'm not sure if i'm really upset. or maybe because i'm so used to all these pictures around me, i cry no more when i look at 'em. sometimes i wonder if i really do have brothers. what exactly is a brother? sibling? kin? it feels more like a person who lives under the same roof as you. it doesn't even feel like having a room-mate. 'cos no room-mate will coop himself in his own room the whole day. i'm not sad really. nor do i pity myself. i'm just looking at myself, judging my life and the people around me who i suppose is family. i have another brother. oh yes he is quite successful. i am really proud of him. but should i even call him brother? he's more like an aquaintance to me. when i was born, and was a toddler, i saw little of him. when i grew older, a tender age, i have already felt like the only child. he was in america when i was 1 years old. thinking back, i think the amount of converations we had only accumulates to hmmm.. 3 years?
it doesn't really matter actually. 'cos i do feel like the only child for a long long time. my brothers are just, well, "family". but little do they know, i used to admire them. really i did. and maybe deep down, i still do. i think sheldon's a great role model sometimes. 'cos he's so independent. and he went to america at the age of 15 all by himself, and he turned out so well. got his job in Blue Sky himself and is doing really well as an animator. i'm so proud of him. when Robots came out, i'm sure my friends will know how much i had gushed about it. he is so very capable..
derick's talented with music. since young, whatever i listened to was due to his influence. jazz.. rock.. funk.. my interest in good music was also inspired by him. i think he's really really cool. having all the equiments and a degree in Music Production. no matter how screwed up he is, i really admire his passion for music.
i wished i had such passion and direction like my brothers. i always wished i could be as cool as them. when i was younger, i remeber they came back with all sorts of colour dyed hair, body piercing, funky clothes.. even the idea of going overseas was influenced by them. since young, i knew i will definitely wanna go overseas, just like my brothers.
whenever they came back from america, i would be so happy. i still keep all the gifts they gave me. and i would treasure it so much. i used to always knock on their door, and be the irritating lil nosey younger sister. i would pop my head in and see what they're doing. and i will just sit in their room just looking at them talk to each other or their friends. or watch them jam with each other (sheldon- electronic guitar, derick- bass) and i will sing ignorantly (in other words: out of tune) and loudly, like a silly girl.
but those are just pieces of memories.. it won't happen now. not anymore.
but its alright. i have my memories to keep me going. eventually, everyone will find they only have himself to depend on. so it's only a sooner or later thing. i suppose.. i should count my blessings. treasure what i have. and what i have, is a loving mother. no matter how irritating or unreasonable she may be, i love her. so much. and i really hope she knows that.
ciao.
scripted at 3:20 PM
